The CEVNI test

That's the written test on the Code européen des voies de navigation intérieure, to you pal. And I have to take it so that I can apply for an International Certificate of Competence to operate a motorboat on the Amazon. Not that the Brazilians give a stuff about whether I know the European waterways regulations or not, as they don't actually apply in Brazil. So, for example, the direction to the effect that

un feu ordinaire rouge et un feu ordinaire blanc ou un feu clair rouge et un feu clair blanc,placés à 1 m environ l'un au-dessus de l'autre, le feu rouge étant le plus haut,

may be required from time to time, is likely to be as unintelligible and irrelevant in Brazil as it is in the UK.

Never mind - don't you just love senseless bureaucracy? Especially European - especially French - bureaucracy. Jeux sans frontiers, indeed.

One car down, one to go....

We have sold the Yaris. Even this was difficult, and took over a week’s worth of advertising and a price £500 below guide. As yet we have only one person interested in the BMW, even after 3 weeks of advertising and at about £1000 below guide. We have another 3 weeks to get it shifted, otherwise it’ll be down to the local dealer to get a fiver for it. Ah well.

We also have two remote controlled yachts left which we’re giving some thought to now (at 5ft high and 4ft long, these are not items you just put in your luggage, and anyway since there’s no wind in the Amazon, remote controlled yachts are not a particularly interesting proposition).

What else do we have…oh yes - one small watercolour purporting to be by Hugh Thomson, the Irish illustrator for Jane Austen and the like. I’m tyring to get the Ulster Museum to take a look at it, although if I do, no doubt it will turn out to be a £1.50 fake.

Other than that, I think we’re fairly organised now. Just some clothes, a dog called Oz, a laptop and papers, and 4 very large (and relatively empty) suitcases. All this stripped-down, baggage-free living is all very well, but it does make me wonder what we do if the container doesn’t turn up. Speaking of which, we have a reference number for the container so that we can track it online. Although I had hoped this would something like the little blip on the map you get on flights, apparently it’s just a text update. Pity – I rather liked the idea of watching the container chug slowly to France and then to Port of Spain and finally up the Amazon to Manaus.

We're out.

We have now moved out of our house and are in rented accommodation for a month (less than that now, as I write). The move went reasonably smoothly, once we had completed boxing up or wrapping the various bits and pieces we couldn’t get rid of before the appointed day (30th April). In the process of disposing of stuff, we were impressed to discover to what extent we have become a disposal society: essentially, if something’s not new, people don’t want it. The items that went to the local tip were amazing (a 3 year old suite, for example?), when neither the auction nor the charity shops were prepared to take them. One piece we just couldn’t bring ourselves to dump, and decided to take with us (although what we’re going to do with sunbed, I don’t know - ha ha).


We finally ended up with 141 boxes and other items, which we duly had to load into our 12 foot container (after storing them in the garage a week, courtesy of our very understanding purchasers). This significant task was completed with the help of good friend Rabea, and able assistance from some of the purchasers’ family members, dear help them. Ozzie took it all in his stride of course, as usual. The whole lot was tied down with some newly-learnt knots (see earlier piece), and I have no doubt it will be secure for the 6 week voyage...

We are now relaxing in our temporary home, and concentrating on getting rid of the two cars, as well as sorting out our paperwork and preparing for the Mull of Kintyre half marathon.
Only 5 weeks to the day now. In fact I think I’ll start counting down from here. So this is B-day minus 35. Anyone want to buy a BMW….?

Ahoy there Seaman Staines...

As part of our preparations for Brazil, I signed up for a 2-day powerboating course on Lough Erne. Unfortunately the only available course was over our last weekend in the house – 28th/29th – but it had to be done, and anyway we were pretty much on top of things. So off I went…

It turned out to be a fantastic experience. The course content itself was interesting enough to keep us all (6 students) occupied, particularly as most of it was practically orientated and involved us mucking about on RIBs (Rigid Inflatable Boats) all day. The weather decided to honour us by giving us wall to wall sunshine, and although the winds were fresh, this just stopped us overheating in our lifejackets and wellies.

Being completely inexperienced around RIBs, the tasks were challenging enough, although by assessment time on day 2 we were all doing our high-speed maneouvres with relative ease, and were finally able to do our Man Overboard routines without chopping the buoys up with our propellors or knocking them senseless with our bows, which no doubt was reassuring to the assessors.

The whole thing was quite inspiring, and has reassured me that I will be able to look after my passengers (mostly Naice and Ozzie, initially anyway) and my boat once we get to the Amazon. I also managed to learn my bowline, round turn & two half hitches, clove hitch and sheet bends for real, and have now even put them to good use (albeit in quite un-nautical circumstances, but that’s the way it goes).

Your basic flutuante

Lots of people have asked me about this floating bar and seem to think (not unreasonably I suppose), that it will be some sort of boat. So I thought I should clarify. What we're talking about is what they call a "flutuante" in Portuguese (that's flootoo-anchee). Something like this, in fact:

The principal difference will be that ours will be painted GREEN and will say MAGUIRE'S on it somewhere. It will also be on black water, not the "white" water you see here. Black water, being more acidic, generally has less bugs and other animal and insect life in and around it. This suits me fine, and you will be especially grateful when you come to stay.

Organisation

Well, we're getting ready to move out now. Just a week to go and I'd like to say we're totally organised. But here's 2,000 words worth of pictures to give you an idea of what total crap that would be.

Never mind. I'm sure we'll get there. Not that Ozzie's too bothered....

The CELTA clan

Leaving work isn't the only recent news. In March, Naice spent 4 weeks in Edinburgh doing her full-time intensive Cambridge CELTA course, which was a traumatic experience (for both of us!). She has now passed it, and I think she can consider it a major achievement: not only is it considered a post-graduate qualification, but it is generally only completed by native English speakers. I'm very proud of her, and it also means we are now a TEFL family, as I got my CELTA in 1995.

So at least we can expect our children to be able to speak reasonably good English...!

I am unemployed

Following an evening out at the Cafe Vaudeville and the Northern Whig with colleagues I know I will soon be missing, and now that the hangover has finally cleared, here I am watching the start of the 2007 London Marathon on a Sunday, knowing that I won't ever be going into work again. I'm finding this somewhat unnerving, but I suppose I'll get used to it in due course.

The roll of honour for Friday was as follows:


Stephen Baker, Deborah Burrows, Simon Burrows, Paul Campbell, Joanne Caughey, George Crawford, Sinead Dillon, Alison Gibson, Betty Grant, Sarah Jackson, Kirstie McAllister, Jennifer McDowell, Sarah McAndrews, Stuart McAtee, Hilary McVitty, Peter Ruddell, Millar Selfridge, Angela Woods.


And they're all quite mad of course.

I will be sure to put the leaving prezzies to good use at Maguire's Irish Bar and Cultural Centre. For those who didn't see what will probably be the centrepiece, here's a photo (I've cropped out the frame). Naice hasn't stopped laughing at it since I got it home.



There were lots of other goodies too, and all very much appreciated. I hope everyone will come over to Brazil to see them in their new home.

Thanks for everything guys!

It's been a while since my last post. I've been keeping myself busy at work while trying not to worry too much about the move.

We now have Ozzie all sorted out, and we've booked the tickets through to Sao Paulo. We've also rented a house to stay in during May. So it all looks like this now:

20th April: finish work
26th April: ship goods
30th April: move out of house
May: stay in rented accomodation
1st June: ferry to Scunthorpe to stay with friends
7th June: drive Ozzie down to Heathrow to leave him in kennels
11th June: drive down to Heathrow for flights
12th June: arrive Sao Paulo, stay at hotel
13th June: Ozzie flies to Sao Paulo
14th June: pick up Ozzie from Guarulhos airport
16th June: fly to Manaus

We've been spending considerable effort sorting out how to transfer our money without having to pay tax on it again at the Braziloian side, but it looks like we've cracked this.

In the meantime, in trying to get as fit as possible for our new life, I've had a few problems (see http://theoldsloth.blogspot.com/). Hopefully things are progresssing on this now.

I've also sold our first household item - actually got rid of it, that is - our kitchen table. Now we have a staging area for all the other stuff that's got to go. Happy days.

Spare me.

There surely can be nothing quite as sad and worthless as a grown adult who, authoring their own misfortunes, is unable to take responsibility for their actions and uses all their precious time blaming others, until - becoming so bitter and twisted they are unable to recognise friend from foe, or truth from fiction - they finally succeed against all odds in fulfilling their own mean and nasty little prophesies.

House sold...?

We have agreed the sale of the house. The buyers were here today to measure things up, and we had a good chat. They're very nice, and I hope they enjoy the house as much as we have done. We agreed a completion date of 30th April, and our target date for the flights is the second week in June. They suggested we could use the garage between 1st May and when we go away, if we need it. This could be really useful, although we'll be trying to sell or ship everything prior to the end of April.

Guess I've misunderestimated the flight times

Our idea of driving 1400 miles down to Lisbon and hopping over to Brazil on the short flight to Salvador has been scuppered! The times they publish for the flight are local times, meaning it looks like it's just a 4-hour dash, whereas* it's actually an 8 hour slog. Couple this with the fact that the shortest internal flight from Salvador to Manaus is 9 HOURS (at least without changing planes). Unfortunately the flight just crawls up the Brazilian coast, stopping at just about anything that looks remotely like an airfield. I did it once before, when I was young and knew no better, but now? Ha - I don't think so. The flight times from Heathrow would be 10 hours to Sao Paulo, then 5 hours to Manaus. To do about 70% of the distance (Lisbon - Salvador - Manaus) is going to take 17. Bad joke.

*I know this is nothing to do with Brazil, but I've been reading a lot of US posts recently, and I've noticed that a lot of Americans seem to think that the word "whereas" means "although". You know, like "Whereas I can't grasp the general principles of English, I don't care." Obviously the President's illegibility is catching on.

Quickies

Latest:

• The house sale continues apace. One offer in, 3 viewers tonight, and another 4 tomorrow.
• I must mention the website gringoes.com, where I'm finding lots of useful info., and where the folks in the forum are really friendly and helpful. Keep it up guys!
• It's February already, and we're planning to move in June.... Omygod.
• We've more or less sussed out the vehicle we're going to get in Manaus - it's either going to be one of these or one of these. The Fiat's probably the more practical; I just don't know whether I could be seen in one.
• We're also thinking of revising our route to Manaus - instead of Heathrow - Sao Paulo - Manaus, we're thinking of overland to Lisbon, then Lisbon - Salvador - Manaus. All for the sake of the dog!!! (more on this later).

We had an e-mail this weekend from my newly-married brother-in-law, Romulo. In it, he said that he and his wife were thoroughly enjoying their new life together and were getting used to living in their new house. The house (which Romulo built over the last two years), sits on the banks of a lake near the small town of Careiro do Castanho, and in his e-mail he said they were inspired every morning by the schools of pink dolphin playing in the lake, just outside their front window.

Thanks Romulo – this is a reminder of at least a part of why we’re returning to Brazil, and we’ll think of this every time we're having doubts about our decision!

Pah! Solicitors? Schmolicitors.

Well, today we have the first viewers for our house. We only agreed with the agents 2 days ago, and have only had the photos done yesterday - it's all a bit quick for my liking. Anyway, the place looks tidy enough, although I still need to do something to stop the water pipes banging every time you switch the water off, and I really must get the gas boiler serviced. We agreed a o.75% fee with the agent, and I'm now looking for a solicitor.

I've just had one quote of 0.5% plus some obscue legal charges (I'm convinced half of them are made up). What I don't understand is this - all the solicitor does is draw up a contract (ha ha - like they have to handcraft each one individually or something). This probably takes a secretary 10 minutes. Then they send a request for something or other from the land registry or something (there's another 10 minutes), and then they wait for queries from the buyers, which they duly ask the seller to answer (5 minutes?). Then they issue the contract, get it back signed, and receive some money. Phew - tricky, huh? So where do they get off charging a percentage? I would have thought £50 would do the job, wouldn't you? When I asked one of them this question, they said "Ah but the risk increases with the value of the property..." To which the reply must surely be "Ah but that's what you pay your bleedin insurance for..."

Chancers, the pack of them. I'm away now to see if I can find an honest one. I may be some time.

The Amazon Rainforest in 2050

We were thinking about the future environment we could be facing in Manaus, particularly given the fact that everyone (apart from George Bush, apparently) is concerned about global warming. The best estimates at present show the Amazon getting significantly hotter and drier by 2050, with the rainforest dying off and slowly being transformed into some sort of savannah.

The implications are that river levels will fall, agriculture and silviculture will be badly hit, crop yields will drop dramatically, there will be significant health issues as water quality is adversely affected, pests and diseases will increase and so on. And being selfish for a moment, this probably doesn't bode well for the future of any business based around eco-tourism in Manaus (or any other type of tourism, come to that).

No doubt by 2050 we'll either be dead or old enough not to be too worried by it all, but I wonder about any children we may have. Hmm. Perhaps we'll have to send them back to Northern Ireland to enjoy the long, hot summers and balmy winters the province will be enjoying by then!

Tick tock, tick tock.

Another weekend almost gone, and we've not done much really - we photographed the family EPNS, pushed around a few thoughts, went running (this is something else I'm working on - hey, why have one problem, when you can have lots of them? See The Old Sloth blog here) cleaned Ozzie's ears and allowed him to drag us round the neighbourhood a few times, went to see Uncle Tom and Auntie Margaret, and organised our entries in the Mull of Kintyre half marathon. Naice is also working on her application form for the Cambridge English teaching certificate, the CELTA, and hopefully will get this done before the day is done. Tomorrow, I will decide on an Estate agent and give them the go-ahead (yes, I've been dithering again).

Going, going.....

Naice has brought home a huge roll of bubblewrap and some cardboard boxes, and so finally the time has come to wrap up the family EPNS and get it sold. We can’t take it with us, and I doubt my sister or uncle would want any but a few pieces. It’s a pity there’s nothing of real value amongst them – I mean Antiques Roadshow type valuable (“Gran’s been using it as a spitoon for the last 30 years” (early 14th century ming vase, £3.1m)… “Found it at a car boot sale last month, mate - paid two pounds for it.” (Czar Alexander III Imperial Faberge egg, £1.3m)) etc. But alas, ‘tis not to be. On the other hand, I’m certainly not going to take it all up the Carrymebackey auction, where the best you could hope for is to sell the lot in a couple of boxes for a tenner a piece. No - I've decided, I’m going to pack them up and drive round some of the auctions in England, so that at least we can have a few nice days out from it.

Anyway, it’s only money and stuff – not what we’re after at all at all – although maybe I’ll buy another lottery ticket anyway (can’t hurt, eh?)

Show me the way to Amazonas...

Time for a note on where we’re going and what we’re hoping to do when we get there.

As mentioned earlier, Manaus is our initial destination. Capital of Amazonas - the largest Brazilian state - and gateway to the Brazilian Amazon, this will be our metropolitan base. But I must admit I’m more drawn to the jungle or river (one big dirty city is much like another, to me), so we’re also hoping to have a base in Careiro do Castanho, 100km south on the road to Porto Velho (the as-yet-unfinished BR319). After you cross the Amazon, this is as far down the road as you can get without using a ferry. I think it’s perfect, and an added bonus is that Naice’s brother Romulo has a house there. So whatever we ultimately do, this will be roughly the area of operations.

One of the first things we agreed is that we would take six months off, just for ourselves. Personally, I’d like to take the rest of my life off, but everyone tells me I’d soon get bored (are they kidding?). In any case, we’ll need to earn some money fairly soon, so six months it is. High on my agenda are some blokish things I just have to do, which Naice (my wife) feigns polite interest in. These include climbing the highest mountain in Brazil, the Pico da Neblina (Cloud Peak, or Misty Mountain, maybe), building a floating lodge, or flutuante, and buying a boat with an outboard motor. Naice, on the other hand, is looking forward to spending some time with her family, who live just south of Manaus on the BR319, where her dad has a store and petrol station (Posto de Gasolina Sao Francisco – if you’re ever in the area, pop in!). I think this is another one of those “you’ll soon get bored” scenarios, but we’ll see.

For the geographically-minded, using Google Earth you can see Naice's father's petrol station in pretty good definition at 3 degrees, 22 minutes, 11.12 seconds South/59 degrees, 52 minutes, 46.89 seconds West. The site for the floating lodge is further down the road and available in lower definition at 3 degrees 49 minutes, 15.21 seconds South/60 degrees, 22 minutes, 15.66 seconds West. Manaus, of course, is almost directly north of the petrol station, on the other side of the Amazon (actually at the confluence of the rivers Negro and Solimoes, forming the famous Meeting of the Waters in the photo at top left.)

Pass me the remote, please.

I'm sitting here watching the Brazilian TV channel on Sky, Record TV (Channel 810). No disrespect to any Brasileiros out there, but it's made me determined to install a satellite dish when we get to Manaus. The current programme is one of the Brazilian soaps, or novelas, called Bicho do Mato (rough translation: 'wild animal'- describing someone from the country - a yokel). As with all Brazilian novelas, the producers have the interesting ability to make any set - no matter how technically sophisticated - look remarkably like a set. And the acting, for the most part, is as wooden as it comes - as I write, a guy is doing "an evil laugh" to camera. (It probably says in his script something like "laughs evilly to camera".) Not that I've anything against the concept of the novela - much better (imho) than the concept of the soap, the novela has a beginning and an end. A complete story. Bloody marvellous - not like Eastenders, for example, which just seems to be an interminable exposition of improbable human suffering set in vaguely unpleasant social circumstances.

No, the main problem with Brazilian TV, I find, is that it's 78% infantile nonsense (assinine game shows, banal chat shows and the like), 10% appallingly biased, patronising news and current affairs programmes (see photo - a dynamic production, focusing on the engrossing subject of bad breath), 10% sports programmes where in-depth analysis comprises the word "goooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal" screamed into the microphone for periods in excess of 10 seconds at a time, and 2% stuff that's actually not bad (Fantastico, for example). The model is based primarily on the talentless rubbish that comes out of the USA, but with a lot of the talent removed.

But then I suppose all TV's going the same way - a quick flick through the UK terrestrial channels just now reveals the spellbinding "House Traders" (people who buy and -yawn - sell houses, BBC1), Snooker (fine if you like it, BBC2), Supernatural (yet another new series from the good old US of A, ITV) ER (pain, blood and social commentary on a stupefyingly uninteresting scale, C4), and 50 Ways to Look Great Naked (sitting in front of the telly with a packet of crisps, translucent folds of flab cascading over your privates, perhaps, C5).

Bloody hell, maybe we'll just not bother installing a TV at all. Which reminds me, I must write to the Beeb and ask them what the best way would be to pick up the BBC World Service (while it's still running). Now that's quality.